Getting Over A Relationship

Imagine how frustrated your boyfriend must feel. You are constantly making excuses for your behaviour by relating it to the negative treatment you received from an ex-boyfriend. Maybe you were in a toxic relationship. Maybe you are heartbroken by the demise of what was once a great relationship. Either way, this relationship has left a bitter taste in your mouth that you now carry forward to your current relationship. You risk damaging the long term prospects you may have with your boyfriend either by controlling, clinging or showing lack of trust due to your past experiences.

There is no need, however, to allow the bitterness of a past relationship to destroy or hinder your chance for current or future happiness. This may seem difficult, but here we will explore some suggestions for moving past this.

1. In the immediate aftermath of the break-up, give yourself space and time to recover by allowing physical and emotional distance between you and your ex. Do not call him or visit him, neither accept his calls unless your aim is to restart the relationship. If the relationship or the break-up was toxic, cut all ties with your ex. This gives your heart and mind time to heal.

2. You need to talk to someone trustworthy, a family member, close friend or even a professional. Explore your thoughts, accepting any pain that you may feel. Don’t ignore it or swallow it, because this will allow the bitterness to take root. Surrounding yourself with compassionate people will allow you to release those feelings and steady yourself again.

3. Think as objectively as possible about the reasons for the break-up. There may not be a single reason. It may have been the build up of several issues. The relationship may have ended eventually regardless of your actions. Knowing why the break-up happened would give you something less to dwell on and allow you to move on.

4. Accept all the phases that you may go through grieving for the end of the relationship. There may be hate or resentment, sadness and bitterness. Understand that these are all normal reactions and examine their effects on you without allowing them to influence the way you think about relationships in the future.

5. Make a journal of your thoughts and emotions. Be completely honest and do not edit yourself. Writing it down may allow for greater insight into who you are, the type of relationship you were in versus what you thought you were in, reasons for the break-up and what you want and deserve out of life. Getting these insights and learning these lessons may reduce the grieving and help you realise that because this relationship did not work out, that you do not have to lose trust or hope in future partners and friends.

6. Most importantly, find happiness in other areas of your life. Sometimes we focus so much on being happy with our partner that we neglect ourselves. Bringing your interests back into focus will help take away the power of your happiness from any single person, whether it be a future love interest or your ex. Read books you have always wanted to read, take a Spanish class, take on a hobby or sport, reconnect with friends and family. This brings the power of your happiness back to yourself as opposed to one part of your life.

Holding on to a past relationship leads to bitterness in some instances and hampers your personal growth. For your own development and ability to trust and love again, it is best to let go of the past hurts and look forward. This does not mean you don’t learn the lessons as you do with every stage of your life. It just means that you don’t hold your present love responsible for the actions of your past love.